ARSEBLOG News Review

Arsenal are at a new place in their evolution, a place where they’ve never been before.

An almost complete absence of senior players in the team means that this group of young men are having a power struggle.

Like any pack of mammals, there’s gotta be a hierarchy with someone at the top and someone at the bottom.

The lack of a dominant senior figure in the team has created a power vacuum, and the young lads are jostling for position to see who’s gonna be top dog and who’s at the bottom of the heap.

It’s like Lord of the Flies.

Separated from the outside world on an island of insulated luxury, the players are forming groups and cliques. And it’s a cruel process, where any weakness is gonna be ruthlessly hunted out.

Already fiery Cesc is looking like a leader who the other lads are keen to obey.

Boys, like Clichy, Rosicky and Denilson, know that their natural physical skills mean that they’re not gonna be singled out as the weakest link.

But poor, clumsy, ungainly Pillippe Senderos could become the scapegoat for this team, picked out by the others as vulnerable.

Eventually, like in Lord of the Flies, the players will gather round and kill him with a rock.

This might seem a bit savage, but it’s not without precedent. I’ve seen the same thing happen in other clubs.

Ask yourself; what happened to these players: David Hirst, Sebastian Diesler, Pal Lydersson, Francis Jeffers?

But its not all bad for the Gunners.

Arsene knows that a bit of bonding over a group activity, like ritual slaughter, can really build team spirit.

Traditionally Le Boss has not been keen on getting the players together for these kind of things.

Where other clubs jet off to La Manga for some morale boosting golf, heavy drinking and rape, Wenger has preferred to let individual players take responsibility for extra-curricular activities, like Gilberto’s Friday mandolin society, and Lehman’s origami circle which meets every Tuesday evening (Champions League permitting).

Some of the players have tried to get some bonding sessions going. Cesc’s food fight at Old Trafford was a direct homage to Ray Parlour’s Pizza Hut work in 1995, and Jermaine Pennant made a bold but misguided attempt to follow in the footsteps of Tony Adams when he wrapped a car round a lamppost while under the influence.

Fans have been concerned about the heavy injury list that Arsenal have this season.

What’s causing this? Is it the Ashburton pitch? Has Gary Lewin lost it?

I heard from an impeccable source a few months ago that the problem lies with hair. Too much, and not enough.

Abou Diaby, as smooth as an egg, is unable to produce any hair.

In a desperate attempt to encourage growth he’s been hanging upside down like a bat, and has damaged his hamstrings.

Meanwhile, Freddie cannot come to terms with his male pattern baldness. Over the summer he tried to grow his hair long.

But to his horror he discovered he had a bald patch, with a Shearer-like island of hair floating at the front.

His confidence is shot, despite shaving it all off, and he will be sold to pursue a new career with Lee Sharpe this summer, selling hair plugs.

Cesc’s hirsuteness is causing real problems in the dressing rooms.

The young man is so hairy that when he showers he sheds fistfuls of matted pelt. This built up after the Reading game, and blocked the plughole, causing a flood.

Poor skinny Alex Hleb was nearly swept away down the drain, only saving himself by clinging to Senderos’s craggy heady.

Meanwhile, Eboue was washed away on the wave of water down Drayton Park, calling for help and waving an imaginary yellow card.

I’ve heard that Pat Rice will be bringing in a set of clippers next week, to shear the young Spaniard.

Lucky fans will be able to buy genuine Cesc body hair in the club shop.