ARSEBLOG News Review

Like the mythological king, I have returned to rescue my people in the hour of their need

All across north London and beyond I heard the cry – Arsenal need Leopold!

I have been away, deep underground and far away

Yet I heard the distant cries, and I have answered them

I’m back, and already I’ve done some vital work

I have re-grouted Pat Rice’s bathroom, which was directly responsible for the 3-0 win over Spurs.

And some auspicious patio-laying for Ken Friar should see a good win against Chelsea on Sunday

However, I gotta say that not all the problems at AFC can be solved by DIY skills

Arsene looks like he’s got ‘difficult second album’ syndrome, trying to replicate his earlier teams.

He’s forgotten what elements made Arsenal successful in the past, and emphasised the wrong instruments at his mixing desk in London Colney

Playing Rosicky, Hleb and Freddie is like having 3 triangle players in a band – it’s a nice instrument and all that, but you sure as hell don’t need that many.

And it drowns out the piccolo

I saw a lotta this kind of stuff when I was musical director for the Clash

You’re probably thinking, ‘hey Leopold, you’re crazy! Those guys were punks. They didn’t need a musical director’.

Two things: first, don’t call me Leopold. Herr Menadcious, Professor, Doktor, Baron, Gruppenfuhrer. Pick.

Second, I had a hard time with Strummer and Jones when the Clash were in their pomp.

It was a constant battle to get them to keep to a guitar-based 4 piece, and forget their classical aspirations

Mick Jones wanted to play the opening riff to “Should I stay or should I go’ on an oboe.

Joe Strummer, a surprising mezzo-soprano, had to be persuaded every day to sing in a cockney accent.

Arsene has some hard thinking to do, but I am on hand to advise him if he needs it

In fact I have tunnelled in from the outside to underneath his desk at Ashburton Grove

And I’m waiting ready to burst through the shag-pile when the moment is right.