Home / About / Contact / Links / Publish / Donate
Copyright © 2004 - 2008 / Licensed under a Creative Commons License / Terms of use / privacy policy
Chelsea Blog / 1243 Posts / 24105 Comments / Made in England / Established 2004 / Subscribe
Football's Jedi Knights are a grass stain on the game
It’s not often one can quote Terry Wogan to illustrate a point about football, so I’ll take the opportunity while I can.
The blarney-spouting bard from Limerick once said that every day, there are thousands of people sitting in front of their TV’s and radios, just waiting to be offended.
It’s true. If there was no bad guy, the British public would have very little to complain about. Question Time would be replaced with a programme containing a panel of meteorologists fielding questions about the weather. The Daily Mail wouldn’t exist. Life would be almost perfect.
Let’s clear one thing up. The bad guys are always more interesting than the good guys.
Look at Hollywood’s take on good and evil. Darth Vader or Luke Skywalker? Yes, I know who won in the end, but that’s Tinseltown for you.
First, there’s old D.V. Mortals quake at the sound of his voice. Destroys planets at the touch of button and chokes people without even touching them. Great name, even better outfit. And he’s got stormtroopers. Very cool.
Then there’s Jedi-boy. Silly faux biblical-sci-fi name. Crap line in tunics and a sister fixation. Robots for mates. Oh dear.
This week, a growing army of media Jedi Knights has formed, waving their lightsabres around to express outrage at Mourinho's destruction of another universe (well, he annoyed a Dutchman and got grass stains on his suit trousers). A group of moralistic preachers who want the authorities called, sanctions imposed and punishments dished out.
Why not just call Sketchleys?
UEFA, Andy Townsend, Steve Curry and many others, all simpering with rage at their favourite pantomime hate figure — Mourinho. The devil incarnate, the bad guy.
I’m rather bewildered. Both before and after the Needle in the Nou Camp, Mourinho seemed rather more docile than he can be. A few trademark spiky, combative answers to some typically leading, shit-stirring questions about the referee and Eidur Gudjohnsen’s conversion to the dark side, but nothing you wouldn’t expect under the circumstances.
Oh, and he celebrated a goal. It’s not like he ran onto the pitch to berate the referee and prevent his players from shaking the hands of the officials, eh Mr. Rijkaard?
But the whistle had barely left the referee’s lips at full time and off they went. Cue ITV; lights, camera, outrage.
Andy Townsend’s lambasting of Mourinho following his post-match interview in Barcelona was the most incredible piece of simpering, whiny ‘look at me’ hypocrisy I can recall seeing in recent years.
“It’s all me, me, me with Mourinho”, was Townsend’s attention-seeking angle while he berated the Chelsea boss for answering the persistent questioning about the referee from one of his ITV colleagues instead of praising his players (which he did) or talking about one of the most dramatic games of football in recent years. Me, me, me indeed, Andy.
And so it continued; UEFA’s Lennart Johansson has chipped in his four-penneth, saying that Mourinho “makes statements like someone who's been promised candy but didn't get it." He added that "sometimes we are not severe enough" on persistent offenders.
Like fining clubs who allow 40,000 barbarians to make monkey noises at black players the equivalent of £3.28 and a packet of salt and vinegar Discos, you mean Lennart?
But this morning, they really surpassed themselves. Jimmy Hill’s kitchen reverberated with the flatulent ramblings of Steve Curry — or Jabba the Twat, as he’s known round these parts — who suggested that the next time Mourinho slides across the turf on his knees in celebration, Chelsea should be deducted three points.
Yes, you read that correctly. I'll leave you to use the comments section for your thoughts on this particular stroke of totally unbiased genius.
What these joyless, self-appointed guardians of the game have forgotten is that somewhere in all of us, there is that demon that only football can raise. The thing that turns mild-mannered folk like you and I into crazed, screaming and drooling wrecks.
Had the team I managed just nicked a last-minute equaliser in front of 95,000 baying Catalans, I’d have either been arrested and/or sectioned for my celebration. I suspect most of us would have. Grass stains wouldn't have been the half of it.
And somewhere inside even the Townsends and Currys of this world, although their supposedly spotless, holier-than-thou reputations wouldn’t allow them to admit it, there is that demon that would have loved to have been Mourinho for those few seconds on Tuesday night. To have felt the power, the noise, the exhilaration — and the grass stains.
And if it isn’t there anymore, then they simply have no business in football. The Health and Safety Executive might be a better place for their particular talents.
So full credit to Martin Samuel in today’s News of the World for recognising the Barcelona game for what it was; a good, old-fashioned tear-up. A grudge match with more fireworks than the skies over Britain on November 5; more aggravation and drama than an EastEnders omnibus, with better actors to boot.
We know that Jose is no angel. It is unlikely that he'll be meeting St. Peter at the pearly gates when he shuffles off this mortal coil. Unless he retires from football to bring peace to the Middle East or conduct the search for a solution to global warming, Mourinho is probably going to hell. In a handcart.
But there are two things to remember — firstly, we’re only watching. Secondly, he’s having the time of his life on the way and if there isn’t the tiniest spark hidden away in the darkest recesses of your psyche that envies him, then check your pulse. You’re probably dead.
In summary, a revision of an old adage is needed to describe the ranks of morally outraged hacks currently appearing on our screens and in our papers:
Those that can, do. Those that can’t, preach.
0
Hope the press focus on Wenger's behaviour - pigs might fly...
To be fair to Sky, the last shot of their montage to end the Super Sunday programme was Jose and Jol shaking hands and back-slapping - made the point nicely I feel.
Tony - just tell the Spuds bothering your mobile that you'll consider it even when they've done it for about 15 years on the trot... :-)
Pisser of a day, but had to happen sometime. Poll's decisions were key - the perfectly decent disallowed goal by Drogba and JT's sending off. We should have killed the game off by then, but yet again the preening idiot who can't count his yellow cards makes the difference.
0
Was at Tottenham today. Very disappointing. We should have been four up after twenty minutes but after Spurs equalised, with the exception of Robben hitting the post, we threatened very little.
Terry was very unlucky to have been sent off, however he let fly at Poll twice in the first half and you immediately thought the Thing was going to look for any excuse to send him off, especially after all those images in the press this week of Terry in the face of Farina in the Nou Camp.
For another excellent and balanced piece on the Barca game check out Paul Wilson in the Observer
Here's hoping for another long run of unbeaten games and victories which we have come accustomed to over the last couple of years after a rare defeat. We need to go up to OT on Nov 26 and get a victory. Up the Chels
0
Totally agree with you guys on the bile that the press in this country both written and media, have taken "Chelsea Bashing" to a new level.
If Jose had have reacted like the darling of the press Wenger did yesterday, they'd be calling for the same punishment that was metered out to Mr G.Fawkes.
To listen to the some of the comments on sky about how out of character it was have short memories, his toe to toe with Martin Jol only last season springs to mind.
Arsehole Wenger is a slimy,hypocrtical twat, his manipulation of the press is truly remarkable, but on saying that it just shows how stupid and blind our press are.
The guy should be a politician, his talents are wasted in football
0
Great article as always JD and spot on.
I think the day JM hangs up his boots and starts ending the middle east crisis will be a sad day for football - although a good day for world peace! What on earth will the hacks find to write about??
A bit gutted about the result today, but I must say I thouroughly enjoyed the game - a bit like the Villa home game where we really had to attack attack attack. It was never going to be our day today, but we did not deserve to lose. All the stats from the match are in our favour, so we gave it everything.
Does anyone know if JT's ban will be served in the Joker-Cola Cup game on Wednesday? Or does it have to be in the premiership?
I am not too worried about being 3 points back of Utd at the moment. We will go past them at Christmas, where we generally get maximum points, unlike everyone else.
By the way, I think I preferred the old site layout, was loads easier to navigate, and now the comments are listed in reverse order! Sorry ;D
0
The problem is that the media has so driven the 'Mourinho narrative' it's impossible for us or the club to correct it. I had dinner with a Spurs season ticket holder last night (of all the nights in the last 16 years...) and he was saying he completely lost interest in Mourinho after 'he lied about Frisk and Rijkaard in the first Barca game'. I tried to point out that what had JM said happened, DID happen - ie, Rijkaard, upset at being 1-0 down at home, pursued the referee down the corridor to his office demaning to talk to him, after which Frisk promptly sent off Drogba for a soft foul - but he wasn't interested. He'd made up his mind from the misleading press reports and wasn't in the slightest bit interested in the truth.
I think we're stuck with it.
0
Re: Wenger/Pardew. According to, ahem, SMOOTH FM, twenty minutes before kick off Jol and Mourinho were seen 'doing their impression of Wenger attacking Pardew and then falling about laughing'.
As I've said before, many, many times, Mourinho is considerably more popular among his fellow managers than Arsene Wenger. And there has to be a reason for that.
11 Comments · Add yours
Well said JD. Personally my detestation of UEFA is topped by the slimy racist weasel William Gaillard, but Johansson comes close and Platini will be little better.
Jabb the Twat - seems a mild way of describing such a pompous fuckwit.
Lastly....how bad is it feeling chaps having had Spuds finally remove the hoodo. This far I've had 7 texts and 2 phone calls from Spuds fans. Fuck me we're gonna make hard work of it this season with Manure holding an advantage. 3 in a row was always going to be tough but we can still do it, we just need to forget how to lose, and we need to bury teams as we should have done with Spuds in the first 20 minutes. These misses and this general profligacy in front of goal could be very costly.
Great stuff, J.
It is very difficult to remain level-headed in the current climate of Chelsea bashing.
I caught the last 10 minutes of the West Ham v. Arsenal game and Alan Pardew's celebration was on a par with Mourinho's. Overzealous maybe, but 100% warranted given their current run of form.
Arsene Wenger is a first-class wanker.
Wenger and Rijkaard are as bad as each other, but try telling the press that.