Two pieces of information from The Lane, neither of which will lead to standby bottles of vintage slurp being interferred with, but certainly worth sharing.

Chimbonda. His agent makes Paris Hilton look discreet, but nevertheless, his client's name is absolutely in the frame. 

Hold tight on the upper deck, next stop Finsbury Park, see the lion tamers....

Kenwyn Jones. I kid thee not, dear reader... 

The possibility of a man who can actually cope with the long balls from hell is on the cards.

Money? No and object are two words to be avoided as both deals would be perceived as flattering to the players despite our current league standing. The word of the day is Renaisance and the the enquiries are all being augmented by a man some call the boy Levy.

BIOYC!

A Game Of Two Halves - Grin And Bear it.

Had you but heeded the wise words of some soothsayers, then this was to have been our Waterloo.

 It was instead, our Paddington.

Burnley tried to vex us, but we gave them a hard stare and they consequently crumbled.

Tottenham misjudged the Lancastrians from the off. Burnley failed to see the funny side of Defoe's gag of dressing up like he'd just stepped out of a Lowry painting and spent much of the first half  retaliating by playing football that was as easy on the eye as it was effective.

Arry's gentle sweet nothings at half time caused not only partial shift hearing amongst his galant charges but also reinvigorated them no end and they re-emerged with their metaphoric sleeves rolled up. Of course it could be that they had some sense booed into them by the intelligentia magnificenti as they went off, but like the great mystery of the pyramids I guess we'll truly never know. 

There were frustrations a plenty of course. Campbell clear wants returning to whence he came. I could cope with his forced adoption if he was good, but he isn't.

So if someone might phone the orphanage and tell them to put an extra bowl of gruel out I'd be much obliged.

The other niggle was the lack of Taarabt or Ghaly. There was plenty of scope both on the pitch and dare I say it, in the hearts of the mob to introduce either. A sorely missed opportunity.

[Courtesy of Henry Percy] 

Gomes 7 All in all another excellent shift.

Woodgate 8 Colman's, French's...

Bale 4  He looks like a taxi with it's doors open.

Corluka 7 Proving to be a superb player.

Dawson 9 Essentially awesome. MOTM.

Zokora 6 Not a disaster.

Modric 7 is a Champions League kinnda guy.

Bentley 4 A bad game much to the delight of his ardent admirers.

Lennon 6 Bloody bleedin' infuriatingly hopeless non crosses.

O'Hara 7 Turned the game. Brimming with desire he made the Lilywhite shirt glow, gawd bless 'im.

Campbell 4 Are you still here?

Pavlyuchenko 8 Exhibiting distinct signs of a great, great purchase.

Hardly a sophisticated declaration of intent, yet one that needs issuing given our troubled times.

We've been mucked about and been mesmorised by almost equal measure (on a good night) this season, but it's imperative that we approach this ambitous and not entirely unaccomplished collective, in the appropriate manner...and duly smash them up.

Can I shock you? ...I like wine.

Partridge to one side, I hope Hossam Ghaly will start. I know he will be in the squad. Jenas, Ekotto, Bent, and Huddlestone are all out.

Let's comprehensively clout this lot. How cool would it be lf both Ghaly and us fans were instrumental in that? Come On You Spurs...

Anytime goalscorer? Woodgate at 8/1 is tasty enough in terms of a,  will pay for your beer for the price of a beer... type bet.

 BIOYCS!

They couldn't be happier. Updates.

Transfer negotiations with our illustrious leader were once likened to buying a second hand washing machine from someone on hire purchase.

Things haven't improved any for our current business aquaintainces.

There is much sabre rattling coming from both Boro and Pompey, but all the defiant quotes they can muster will prove insufficient solace against the grim reality of being pillaged by the Tricity Bendix Barons of N17.

Downing is running a similar campaign to that of Bentley before him. No direct quotes to the press, but plenty of indiscreet chat in northern bars. His father drew short of announcing that his room's just as he left it, Gazza poster above his bed, but did name Tottenham as his boy's preferred destination.

Defoe was doing a cute job on his own when it came to wriggling out of Tony Adam's clutches. A bad cold and death threats looked - in the Mickey Mouse minefield of modern football - almost sufficient enough to earn him a pardon from Portsmouth. But the precarious financial situation at Fratton Park has eclipsed that lot.

It is being touted that Alexandre Gaydamak's financial obligations to Levy are not only back breaking but backdated.

There is lolly outstanding not only on Defoe and Kaboul, but hold tight on the upper deck, Mendes.

Add to this, Portsmouth are only just recovering from a nasty bout of Pantspulledownitus which they incurred after being reminded that part of Defoe's sale to them included a kick back to Tottenham should the player then be sold on within an agreed space of time.

The Press Gangers wanted this onerous element eliminated but Levy said he couldn't hear them over the noise of the tumbledryer.

BIOYC! 

Tottenham have sharpened their teeth for this window and are resembling more of the sharp operators that dazzled Ramos and less like the patsies who watched Berbatov vanish beneath a blanket.

The death threats to one side, Jermain Defoe is said to be giddy at the thought of returning to The Lane. Certain sectors of the ground were positively bristling on Friday night with the gossip that he was in his Exec Box (no idea of the young lady's name at this stage)Lemsip Max in hand.

Stewart Downing, if you believe Sky Sports News is also on a Spurs inspired Go Slow. The channel that understands more than your average agony aunt says a transfer request is threatened come tomorrow morning.

If the now fashionable chuntering and groans at Bentley's every touch are beginning to grate, then I suggest you have some earplugs on standby should Downing ever don the Lilywhite shirt.

Neither player makes my heart skip a beat. Defoe is a place we have been before. The key is wether Arry can provide him with the required class of service that will distinguish him from the ailing Bent and the slow to start but sumptious Pavlyuchenko. Maybe Arry thinks if Bentley and Downing are both firing crosses in Jermain has to ping one in eventually.

According to the Independent, 'The Ghana midfielder Stephen Appiah will start training with Tottenham today with a view to signing for the club until the end of the season.' A DM folks!

The word is that Levy, despite Tottenham's shoddy league showing and abysmal return on August trades, he's still talking the talk and offering both Pompey and Boro buttons for their charges.

Pleased to hear it. But the bottom line is we need to be buying players who will make a real difference and get us out of this mess.

Thick, noisy people. This is aimed at you. You know who you are. You are thankfully a minority, but one the majority would like to see made smaller and smaller and smaller and eventually dissappear from our Club. West Ham are always on the lookout for imbeciles, perhaps you could nail your colours to their mast. 

There is something about 'forgiving and forgetting' I've never quite felt wholly comfortable subscribing to. 

But progress and healing are good things and seem to me a course whereby you acknowledge failings or misdoings and make a determined effort ...to move on. An attempt to learn and improve matters.

Baring malice forever is unproductive and bares more than a passing resemblance to the work of a beaten man.

Ghaly has served his time. And I ran the headline Ghaly Is A Workshy Fop.

The shirt hurling was deplorable and he didn't strut down the tunnel that night like a vexed Gladiator. He scuttled red faced like a shoplifter being tossed in the back of a Panda car in front of all his relatives -  'Ghaly you're a ****' ringing in his ears.

The audience participation of the other night was disheartening.

The all too vocal minority need to engage their brains before entering the ground.

Presumably the same guffawing oafs who booed Hossam are the same Novellos who regularly provide us with such family favourites as 'The Judas Song' b/w 'Let's All Get Arrested', 'The Adebayor Song' b/w 'There Are More Of Us Whiteys In The Ground So Who Cares?' and that old showstopper, 'Stand Up If You've Been Lobotomized'.

This clever dick, know it all, know nothing nonsense has to stop. You're making us all look like a shower of petty, hate filled, small time Charlies.

And beyond Ghaly there was the insanity of your other behaviour.

Jermain Defoe chants. These revealed a level of stupidity I had previously suspected but was unconvinced truly existed on the basis that anyone that daft surely couldn't have made it to adulthood, yet alone negotiated their way across London and into a football match.

For the love of.... Defoe plays for f***ing Portsmouth.

Bent I would like to see stay and with service become a great striker. But in light of your garbage verse aimed at him part of me would prefer him to sign for Villa and and put at least two past us home and away for the forseeable seasons. 

And so to David Bentley. Like many of us in this life, a man with finite talents. And like many of us, not everyone cares for his each and every idiosyncracy. But I will not tolerate this petulant over scrutiny of the poor boy's every touch. He is undoubtedly trying his best. And all he seems to be getting in return is this tedious sighing and reciept waving.

History will judge Bentley, not some loudmouth twit in the Paxton fifteen minutes into a game. 

Yes, he does go down a bit easy. But I didn't hear you groaning when Frazier Campbell faked his own death in thier penalty area that night.

That's about it. I'm at a loss at what to add.

Pack it in and support your team, if indeed you have one. There's no place for cannibals at The Lane.

'Ere, Gav, fink, right, of sumfink that rhymes wiv 'cannibals', mate...'

The Home Crowd  2 'The Stand Up...' thing has hit TILT with me now. So desist, there's a good gang of unimaginative, spotty teenagers.

And just on the Ghaly thing, next time you see him or anyone else for that matter in the shirt, lead by example by showing some common courtesy for the badge ...and cheer. You that booed are probably the same that clapped to Campbell's name when it was read out. And he's not even a Tottenham player.

F*** me, catch up or shut up.

Or do we have to put a call into Levy's architects? 'Yeah, 60,000 is still good. But can you make more of them AWAY seats to accommodate our own fans? Cheers.'

Gomes 7  Fell asleep the same time the others did for the Wigan goal. Otherwise superb. Great throws. 

Corluka 6.5  A good game, but is his shirt big enough? 

Dawson 6  Neither wonderful nor too daft so a good shift had by all. 

Woodgate 8  Quite simply - Mustard.

Bale 7  Far far better performance than we've seen in a long time. Well done.

Zokora 7  ...in Good Game Shock. Looked like a DM. Must be something wrong with the telly.

Modric 6  Didn't see nearly enough of the ball. Two questions. 1. Has Ricardo Rocha been coaching him on headers? 2. I sincerely wish to be rich. How do I get into this 'supplying footballers with hair products' business?

O'Hara 5  Busy busy busy but couldn't get into the game and a great opportunity for Ghaly went a begging.

Bentley 7  I do hope his haters are treated by their employers the way they treat him. Then they can become as expert in daytime TV as they are in football. Seems to need to be on the end of his own crosses.

Bent 5  Probably relieved to get off. It was looking like another one of those 'running around to no good purpose in the cold' jobs.

Pavlyuchenko 8  Blossomed with every touch. We actually saw him get an opportuity to play football opposed to endlessly leap for headers. I like my penalty takers cool. This guy was the breeze.

Campbell 6.6  Ironic that the referee who would give nothing then gave a penalty for a fall that would have made Jimmy Cagney blush....

Michael Brown 0  What a piece of dog muck made 'human' he is.

The footballing world was shaken to it's very foundations this morning as Coaching Supremo, reformed drunk and full time imbecile Tony Adams told the Independent newspaper, 'I don't know.'

The question was, did he think ...Jermain Defoe is 'ever likely to play for Portsmouth again?'

The case for Bellamy requires you to do a couple of things. Detach yourself from sentiment and then, double check that you've done so. This case is also, I should emphasise, largely comprised of the case against Defoe and and whole load of other stuff loosely headed 'Running Out Of Options'.

The not in my namers, me included - by the way, began clucking over the suggestion that the Welsh golf enthusiast might ever don the Lilywhite shirt a few weeks ago.

The nutter with the putter? No thanks....

I was a Defoe fan for a long time. So much so I can barely revisit those You Tube clips of him banging in goals for us from every damn angle known to mankind. Why? Because it stopped. He stopped. The magic dried up in a sad muddle of lost of form and Jol's incompetence as a tactician.

The form returned at Pompey and the neopolitan swordsman has, this season achieved a record of 8 goals in 17 games. Impressive stuff. Better than Machester United's Dimitar Berbatov and better than Liverpool's Robbie Keane. Added together.

So why would't it work if he came back?

Because the ship has sailed. Tottenham are incapable of consistantly playing the push and run football required to feed a player like him. How sad a pronouncement is that? But it's true. Darren Bent scored for fun against so many teams before this season. For Spurs, only the likes of Celtic and Norwich City have really felt his wrath.

Roman Pavlyuchenko is a striker with international credits. He comes to Spurs and spends most of his time failing to win headers.

The sorry reality is that Tottenham have lost their way and rather than throw the towel in on a lifetime's traddition of football it is time to make an honest appraisal of how best to save the patient. My advice is to recruit some scrappers and make a fight of it - because moaning about Bentley as we draw at home to Fulham and lose by two goals to West Brom is not a fight.

It's been discussed at length what we're missing. One large absent component is guts.

Can the Offside King bring us this?

No. He's a talented boy, his game lacks too much for the dire straits in which we now find ourselves.

Spurs, my fine feathered friends are no catch right now. Summer targets of Arshavin and Villa, winter ones of Heskey and Bellamy? Owen? Only in your wildest of unsatisfying dreams. Do the maths.

We need to fight and it will take more than half a dozen bursts of Jermain Defoe, He's A Yiddo to scare off the enemy. 

Stop wishing and look around you. 

Few were called even less were chosen. It was a tight run race in the end to see who might actually show up. And ultimately successive cancellations by prospective venues and a lack of real ambition on the part of the organisers saw this year's HH New Year's Honours posted through the recipent's letterboxes along with some pizza menus and a sunbed voucher.

So now through the miracle of the Blogspheric Wireless Device™ we are able to beam the runners and riders into your very home.

Without charge. *Muffled screams heard from a boardroom in N17*

Extreme Muslim Cleric's Best Beard Golden Flip Flop: Royston 'Vasey' Keane

The Most Heavily Substituted Ponce: Pointy Shouty Bloke

Best Larry Grayson Impression In A Manchester United Shirt Slingback Salver: Christiano Ronaldo

The Fanless Underachieving Pasty Rat Faced Bulgarian Tin Cup: Dimitar Berbatov

Travelling By Invisible Moped Award: Assou Ekotto.

The Robert Mugabe Ambassador's Shield: John Terry.

The Mister Magoo Mug: Rob Styles.

Best Simian Paws On A Human: Richard Keys.

Most Disgraceful Activity In A Transfer Window: Comolli & Ramos [Steed & Teemu to Sunderland]

Most Disgraceful Inactivity In A Transfer Window: Damien Comolli.

Alan Partridge Blazer Badge & Tie Combo Cuppette (Sponsored by Lexus): Gareth Southgate.

Late entries/ nomimations by readers are extremely welcome...

Happy New Year, my dears

Whaddaya mean unsubstantiated? Ahh, get over yourselves. This is this is the Creme de Menthe of cobblers and whatsmore my dears ...at this time of year it comes in complimentary gift wrap.

The West Brom Fiasco, you shall be pleased to hear, has in part, yielded something. MOTD's report that our lot were given in excess of an hour's hair dryer treatment was mildly exagerated, but it is true to say that Arry did indeed delay the exit of the Ipod oafs in order to impart his Christmas Message. 

Craig Bellamy? My sad duty to report that serious enquiries have indeed been made. Please, let's all cross fingers and pray we swerve this deeply 'orrible mongrel. But we are very much in for the twit.

Stephen Hunt? That's the fresh meat, folks . Six million pounds for a not entirely untalented grafter. Wigan and Everton are on/off suitors. Let's buy him and repair some of that Steed damage, eh? Many thanks to a damn nice source for that one.

Downing? The press are becoming canny and the Boy Bale has naturally become an natural player in their tall tales. Stewie for Monkey Boy & cash? Hold tight for now, dear reader.

Benty is, as I have been suggesting for some time now is indeed a bit depressed. I don't know if he will seek professional advice on this, but certainly a pal of mine in the Midlands suggests that he has certainly given some thought about talking to ...Aston Villa.

Last up, Kevin Prince Boateng. I know, I know. I did say he was probably off to Brum last time and all I can do is assure you that was very much the case at the time. Word from over Hadrian's is that the cash rich hoopsters are buzzing around his hive. Big Cup Footy and all the electronically gated appartments he might ever desire being rumoured as carrots of an unignorable nature.... Hail hail.

BIOYC!