'Ssssssh, is that the SSM on the phone'

LOTW is getting into holiday mode. Packing his trunks (George Asda price), 3/4 length shorts (Primark) and numerous Celtic tops, which will be worn no matter where I am. Beach, bar or nightclub I will have the Hoops on.

I have washed ma shell suit (Celtic of course) for the airport fashion parade. It will go lovely wie ma new gold away top and new Nike Airs. Mrs LOTW has got a new pair of 'Donny' trainers and a lovely pair of Adidas trackie bottoms fae Sports Soccer.

Ma only worry is that those backage handlers watch ma case as it's fu' off bootleg Buckie for me to swally when getting roasted by the pool and that the longer the this transfer windae goes on the more we are seeing oor sights getting lower and lower and oor signings will reach bargin bin loan signing level.

I suppose how worried you are aboot the 'lack of activity' depends on the camp you are in.

If you are in the we were terrible last season camp, The Huns were a baw hair away fae havin' their maist successful season fur ages camp, it was only circumstances- a view that was banded aboot on Radio Clyde last night, Mr Spiers said that oor league win was just the outcome of a number of situations- that caused The Huns to implode camp and they have signed well in the summer while we huvnae improved camp then you will be you will have F5 syndrome and a Newsnow addiction.

If you are in we only had two major blips- December and March- camp, we deserved to win the league as winning the last 7 games proved camp, we knew The Huns would implode as they were shit camp and we have the best squad in the league and we should only sign players that will improve and not benchfillers camp then you will be calm.

LOTW is in the 2nd camp. Last season I predicted that The Huns would implode every week fae the Glesga Fair weekend. Granted, it took a bit longer than expected but it happened. I've also sussed the SSM game in this windae. He is telling the medjia he haw and the medjia know he haw and are making things up.

This week has been the first week of quotes from players, agents and lackies that are movers and shakers. The name maist talked aboot is Gabriel Tamas.

A nomadic Romanian CB that is 6 clubs in despite him only being 24 years. Decent pedigree, played all games in the Euros and smells a massive pay day saying "I would like to go to Celtic and it is better than a 50 per cent chance that I will if the offer is made. I remember being at the stadium a few years ago and I could not believe the atmosphere and the noise and passion of the fans."

His manager- smelling Euros as well- went from saying this "If Gabriel wants to leave he can go." to this " 'But I do have a say on what happens with the players I have in my squad and right now Gabriel is one of them. He has three years left on his contract and unless a club pays the sort of money that the president wants then he will be our player."

The club and manager smell profit. They bought him for £1m and are looking for upwards of £3m to £4m profit. They are taking the risk by unsettling -a player whose agents and him have made it clear he wants to join us- and hoping that Celtic will pay up.

LOTW, fully expects this horse trading to go on for a few weeks. By that time we will probably have signed Russell Anderson or Lee Wilkie.

So onto Maloneywatch. One day the reports state he is going nowhere  then Saint Martin Of O'Neill refuses to rule nuthin' oot. He say's that "The first mention of that came from Scotland. That's not to say Celtic wouldn't want Shaun Maloney back." and then adds "Maloney has been linked with Celtic every single day since he signed. I'll not dismiss anything, because the last thing I want to is say no' and it to come back and haunt me."

So, Saint Martin is blaming Celtic for these stories and is rightly annoyed that some think he rates Lee 'The Weasel' Naylor enough to swap him plus a set of trackies for the biggest arsed winger this side of the M6.

Thing is, Saint Martin handling of the Gareth Barry transfer and also his tapping up of Stan Petrov a few seasons back mean that he kisses the Blarney Stone mair often than a drunk lepricorn.

Over in Lens Nadir Belhadj is touting himself like a Leith tart. He says 'I want to play top-flight football so I have to leave.'That will only happen if someone meets the asking price of four million euros for me and I'd love it if I got the chance to go to Scotland.' The ex-Lyon player, who sat on the bench at Ipox for Lyon's fantastic 3-0 victory in December, is going for a Georgios Samaras.

Sammy is oor get oot of jail caird. He is the alright looking burd who fancies you rotten but you are trying to pull the rich prefect burds who only go oot wie aulder guys who drive souped up Corsas. Since Sammy has had a taste of CP and his only other options seem to be Stoke and Hull then I think he will be sitting on a beach wailing ‘I still don’t know what will happen. I’m just sitting here waiting to see.' for a while longer yet. 

This week we have been linked wie Samaras, Maloney, Boateng, Tamas, Shittu, Stranzel, Bekhadj, Rat, Niculae and Metzelder. Metzelder was a loadofbabelfish. Made up post and then babelfished to get utter pish.

I will post the whole thing in the comments but the translation came oot wie some cracking lines wie 'Scottish masters Celtic Glasgow', that Metzelder wears a leotard and ma fav ' is to be bought by the European Cup winner of the national masters of 1967' being particular highlights.

Nice to see that Standard Grade German is being used well these school holibags.

Finally, UEFA have come up wie a plan to re-name the UEFA Vase Cup. German legend Karl-Heinz Rummenigge said 'The hope is that a refreshment of the name and brand can help achieve better results than we've seen in [Euro Vase] in the past' before adding 'Last season a team got to the final by only winning two games, scoring four goals and boring the arse of even us Germans means that changes need to be made'.

Fitba' fans everywhere sing hossanna at this news........

Forza